Do you ever listen to a song and relate to it so much that it makes you cry? Makes you feel so much yourself that you almost can't handle it?
I feel that way about one of Lorde's new songs, Liability. Musically, it's a simple song, with the same chords played repeatedly, but lyrically, it is magic for my soul. However, the fact that I can relate to it is both a blessing and a curse because of the content of the song. On one hand, I think to myself "I don't feel this way anymore. I've grown past this." But on the other hand, it feels as real as if I'd written the words with her.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person who gets me, like I'm the only one who can handle all the mess I have going on. I find interpersonal relationships incredibly difficult (who doesn't?), but I understand my relationship with myself. I know what to do to take care of me. It's taking care of others, or maintaining my half of a relationship (any relationship) that's the real test.
Many times, it feels like I'm a failure at every kind of relationship you can have. Daughter, sister, wife, mom, friend...
There are days when I don't feel l'm good at a single one of those roles.
It's funny how we can simultaneously feel like too much and not nearly enough. I feel like women struggle with this more than men, unless men do and they just don't talk about it. But often, I feel like I am too much for everyone I know, and they quit because I'm not worth it, or they secretly want to quit but they don't want to hurt me.
At the same time, I feel like I'm never enough. I don't measure up. I can't do anything right. I'm a complete failure. I mean, this is the rhetoric that's on replay inside my mind at times.
I come out feeling like, either way you slice it, I'm not worth the risk or the struggle. I'm a liability.
My wonderful husband tells me all the time that I'm "worth it," and I so appreciate him for that. But sometimes, I just can't shake the voice that says "Don't let them see everything! Cover up the messy stuff. Don't let them know you're struggling. Slap on a smile and keep it together!"
That voice is the same one that tells me I'm both too much and not enough.
The hardest part is that, sometimes, I agree with it...