I have struggled to come back to this space for some time now. I have found excuse after excuse, whether it be that I didn't have time or that I just wasn't "into it" anymore.
But the truth is that I just didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't want to embarrass myself...so I remained silent. Now, remaining silent isn't usually my modus operandi, but because this internet world is big and wide (and kind of permanent), I decided to keep my hands off the keyboard.
When I told this to my Beau, the part about not knowing what to say, he said "That's okay. Writing is something you're good at, it's a gift. So just write." Just write, he tells me.
In the words of Kel from the 90's show Kenan and Kel: Aww, here it goes!
I've been lonely, you guys. It seems ridiculous, right? I get a boyfriend and suddenly I'm lonely. But it's true. I am lonely. I love my man, love him fiercely and more than I've ever loved anyone or anything else (except Jesus). I see him every day, and we spend scads of time together. But he cannot be the only human I ever hang out with.
You see, I was beginning to put all kinds of pressure on him to over-communicate; I needed to know his ETA every time we hung out. I needed him to inform me of our daily/nightly itinerary so I knew exactly how long I would have to be alone. And after many a tearful argument, I have come to realize that it is so unfair to put that kind of pressure on someone, to be at my beck and call to keep my loneliness away...
I moved to Dallas during my sophomore year because I transferred schools, and I fell in love with this city. It is one hoppin' and happenin' place! There is so much to do and so much to see, and so much life...
I love this city and that's why I chose to make my home here after graduation (two months ago, what?!). I don't regret that decision one bit. But my family is in Houston. My close friends that I've loved and spent time with over the past 3 years are scattered, gone on to bigger and better things. I have one close friend here in Dallas, and I have my Beau, and that's it. That's the extent of my support system.
On top of all that, I am a recent college grad. Change is a-happenin' and I am someone who is not too comfortable with change. I am finding it difficult to start a career because people want X amount of experience, and I've spent the last X amount of years getting a degree. So I'm slinging lattes at Starbucks (still) and let me tell you, the Bucks does not pay the big bucks.
Combine all of that my being extremely prone to depression, and you've got yourself one seriously wrecked LesLeigh.
My boyfriend is a gem, a star really, because he has born the brunt of my emotional meltdowns for the last month (forever). However, he shouldn't have to take it anymore.
I hate being out of control, and I am, as far as the job (and money) situation goes. I am not a particularly optimistic person. At best, I'm a realist. I calls 'em as I sees 'em, and that's that. I feel like shit. I don't like the way my life is right now, and so I'm taking it all out on the person who loves me most. How much of an a**hole am I, you guys?
I'm not sure if any of this is even making sense, and I'm probably talking in giant circles at this point. Suffice it to say, the struggle is real, friends.
I never have been, nor will I ever be a perfect person. I make mistakes every day. When I fail, I fail hard. But I can try to be a better person every day. I can follow the commandments of Christ to love God and to love others, and if I do that, I think I'll be pretty golden.
I'm shaky right now. I feel like Wobble McWobbleson trying to ride a bike across a tight rope and it ain't going so hot.
My knees are trembling, but my foundation (Christ) is firm.
So I can keep looking down, unsure of my steps, and there is not doubt I will keep running into brick walls. Or...I can look forward, with my Beau by my side and Jesus leading the way, and I can take one step at a time.
The brick wall thing isn't really working out. So I think I'm just going to try the step-by-step thing from now on.
After all, we all have to learn to walk sometime, and no one ever learned to walk without someone holding their hand...
"On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand!
All other ground is sinking sand..."