Loneliness. It comes when you least expect it, wraps its cold fingers around you and grips you in that icy way that makes you feel like you've never known love your entire life long.
It's that season for me. I come home from work or get out of class, and I go back to my room and I sit, alone, and remember...
Loneliness should not be confused with feeling alone. You see, I've felt both in my lifetime, often more alone than lonely. Feeling alone is worse. You feel like there's no one in the world who cares if you live or die, no one who understands your circumstances. Loneliness is a much different bird altogether.
I know that I have friends and family. I know that there are people who care about me, and that knowledge is wonderful, but it doesn't keep the loneliness at bay.
I'll go back to my room, and I remember what it's like to feel someone's hand in mine. I'll remember what it's like to have strong arms around my waist, eyes that smile into mine, lips anxiously waiting to greet my own. ..
But the memories are fading as I get further from those experiences. I can remember holding hands, but I can't really remember the warm feel of someone's hand in mine, as if it always belonged there. The memories are fading...
I try to fill my time with friends, and I'm trying to get back on track in my spiritual life, and it's great and necessary, but those things don't fill the void that's obviously taking up space in my life.
Friends can't fill the void. The thing about friends is that they have their own lives, their own dreams, their own goals that they're working towards. They shouldn't be responsible for curbing my loneliness.
God, won't fill it. Although I can always use more Jesus in my life, God created us to be in community with one another. He created us so that we would not be alone, and that was at the beginning of time. This isn't a "God-shaped hole," it's just a hole.
The thing about having someone is that their life includes you. They think of the future with you in mind and you do the same with them. Their goals and plans include you. And while they're planning their life and looking outward, they're also looking at you, seeing you, wanting you.
I'm lonely for that, that beautiful, complicated form of togetherness. I want someone that cares how my day is going and tells me I'm beautiful (pretty, hot, cute, etc.). Friends can do that and mine do and it's wonderful, but it's not the same.
I need romance, and kisses, and sweet texts, and petty fights about where to spend the holidays. I need date nights, and understanding, and affection. I need the blind, honeymoon-phase bliss, and then the slow comfort that comes after.
I want it all, and I don't know when it's coming, or if it's coming, so I'm standing here on a platform, waiting for the train that I'm not sure I've missed.
I'm lonely, and I guess I will have to be until I'm not anymore...