"When You Lose Something You Can't Replace..."

This week has been a hard one. 

I either haven't slept, or I've slept all day. The first three days of the week, I barely left my room, and the only time I did leave was to go to work. 

When I was awake, I was wondering what the hell my problem is because there really isn't anything "wrong" with me. I didn't just break up with a boyfriend, I'm not fighting with any friends, I didn't get fired from any jobs. 

But I realized, I'm still grieving.... 

You see, a couple of weeks ago, my cousin died. It was unexpected, and the way I found out was...just unfair.  

I know what you're thinking. "Were you and your cousin close?"  

That's what everyone asks. No, we weren't. Especially in the last couple of years. But that doesn't make the loss any easier. It didn't keep me from crying when I found out. It hasn't kept me from spiritually mourning him, even though my mind moved on to current matters. 

He was young. 20 or 21 years old. A baby in the grand scheme of things. His life had barely started. That's part of what makes this so hard. It hurts my soul when people die young, and for it to be a family member this time.... 

My soul hurts. 

Out of respect for my family, I don't want to share too many details right now. But, tomorrow, my family and I will be making the trip to Illinois to see family and pay our respects to my sweet cousin.  

I'm not really looking forward to the trip. I'm pretty sure my whole body is protesting, which is why I've been so out of whack and kind of sick this week. 

If you read this all the way through, bless you. I know it's long, and there aren't any pictures or videos. And if you pray, then please take a knee for my family if you feel led to. 

*Post title from the song "Fix You" by Coldplay*