Very Heavy, Man…

Tomorrow will mark one week since the Challenge began, or maybe today marks it since today is day seven. Anyway, for today’s topic, we’re supposed to write about the thing(s) we’re most afraid of.

I decided I’m going to follow Jenni's lead and go with something heavy and real, rather than something lighthearted and funny.

The biggest fear I have in life is ending up alone. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being alone. I love being around people as well, but there is nothing like curling up by myself under a blanket and reading a good book or listening to some music.

I’m talking about alone in life. I am afraid that I will never get married and have children. It sounds a little bit 1950’s housewife, I know, but bear with me, folks.

I am an independent, 21st century woman with a lot of goals in life that could very well be accomplished whether I’m married or not. I have a calling and intend to see that calling through, single or not. However, getting married and having children are tied for the biggest dream I have in life.

I long to fall in love and choose to love someone for the rest of my life. I long to have a man fall in love with me and choose to love me for the rest of his life. I long to raise children with that man, whether those children are biological, adopted, or both.

Those are dreams of mine…but what if they never come true?

What if I never find that one person? What if no one ever wants to marry me? It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

I hate talking about this because I go to a Christian college where everyone’s automatic response is “Don’t worry, you’re going to find someone who adores you. You still have time. You’re still young!”

Quite honestly, I HATE when people say stupid things like that. Yes, I think it’s stupid. It doesn’t make me feel any better and it does nothing to assuage my fears. But I digress…

I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of never being able to control whether I end up alone or not. What if it’s not in God’s plan for my life for me to have a husband or children? It’s a possibility. And it’s a possibility that scares me. Thinking about it often makes me sad or uneasy. It makes my trust in God and faith in His timing falter. I try not to think about it, but it comes up.

So that’s my fear. Out there for all of the internets to see.

Maybe one day, this fear will be overcome…

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