It’s almost 4 in the morning, people.
It’s almost 4 in the morning, and I am up thinking about life. What better time to do it then 4 in morning, right? What’s even better is I have a class in 4 hours!
Not great planning on my part, but I digress.
Here at The Wildflower Way, I believe in being deeply rooted, just as most wild flowers are. Sometimes, being deeply rooted means being deeply honest. Unfiltered, unashamed, honesty. And today, I want to be honest about something…
It’s been a hard season for me. I’ve done a lot of growing, a lot of changing. I had a lot of responsibility and then it was taken away from me. I’ve been challenged in my friendships. I’ve dealt with my worst fear, which is failure.
I’ve dealt with all of that in the two months since school started, and I’ve come out the other end of it all still standing…barely.
The truth is, I don’t sleep very well if at all (obviously). I don’t eat very much. I’m always tired. I am in a constant state of anxiety and worry. I have a lack of motivation to do anything but stay in my room. Most days I prefer to be alone; I don’t even want to see my friends.
And all of this is because I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, though I’ve struggled with it since high school. I have my good days and bad. I have my good seasons and bad. Last year was a good season; I was relatively happy and joyful. This year…not so much.
I have days when I would give anything to quit school and drop off the face of the earth. I have days when I would rather be anyone but myself. I have days when I don’t even want to see the sunlight…
But I can’t live that way anymore.
You see, the most important thing in my life is my relationship with Christ. He holds me together whenever everything else falls apart. Things have fallen apart. My life is kind of a mess, and I'm not really letting Him hold me together. I’m not leaning on my faith. I’m not relying on God. Instead, I find myself trying to avoid Him because I feel like a failure.
Trying to avoid God is pretty much pointless, but it’s also harming my spiritual life, and that’s when I had to say enough was enough.
I’m pretty weak right now, but I had to be strong enough to fight against my demons of worthlessness, worry, anxiety, and failure because I love God more than I hate anything about myself or my life.
This week, I decided it is time to restore what I lost. It’s time to let go of what I cannot change. It is time to learn from the mistakes I made. And it’s time to admit that I need help.
On Friday, I have my first counseling session. I’m kind of nervous. Often, with counseling or therapy, things get worse before they get better and that’s scary. But I’m willing to face it.
I say all of this to say that as I stare at my computer screen at 4:08 in the morning, I have the overwhelming feeling that I am going to be okay! This is the first time I’ve felt like this in almost a month. I can kind of see the light at the end of this very long tunnel.
I feel like I can finally feel my Father’s presence again. I can feel his hand in this situation. I can feel Christ’s love and compassion. And I can feel that I will be restored. I will heal. I will recover. And at the end of it all, I will be stronger for it. I will have an even better testimony because I will have walked through the fire, where weakness and immaturity were burned away. Like a phoenix, I shall rise from the ashes, ready to fly.
I know that in the blog world, we’re supposed to keep it light hearted and only talk about happy, pretty things but I believe there is room for bold honestly and vulnerability. I hope that with my honesty I can inspire everyone to share their stories. Testimonies are beautiful, people!
I leave you with a song that I felt fit with the theme of this post. Have a listen and enjoy!
These Old Wings by Anna Nalick on Grooveshark